The Original Bro Code - Brett Snyder
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The Original Bro Code

The Original Bro Code

 

  1.  If you’ve known a bro for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
  2. When questioned by a bro’s girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts.  You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
  3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a bro out of jail within 24 hours.
  4. A best man’s toast may not include any of the following phrases:
    1. One time in Montreal
    2. One time when we were all piss drunk
    3. And this girl had the biggest rack you’ve ever seen
  5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your bros by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out “Bullshit!”  Exception: When trying to pick up a chick, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
  6. Under no circumstances may two bros share an umbrella
  7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another bro is 5 minutes.  The maximum is 6 minutes.  For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
  8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your bro’s refrigerator is forbidden.  But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
  9. A bro must be permitted to borrow anything you own – grill, car, firstborn child – within 12 hours notice.  Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.
  10. Falling on a grenade for a bro (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to score) is your legal duty.  But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your bro is forbidden to ever speak of it.
  11. Do not torpedo single friends.
  12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
  13. Before dating a bro’s ex, you are required to ask his permission.  If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, “man, you’re gonna love the way she licks your balls.”
  14. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
  15. If a bro’s zipper is down, that’s his problem…you didn’t see anything!
  16. No bro shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another bro.  In fact, even remembering your best bro’s birthday is optional.
  17. You must off heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
  18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal’s boyfriends; low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.
  19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
  20. When stumbling upon other bros watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress but you may never ask who’s playing.
  21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission but only if you have ample time to warn your bro to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
  22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
  23. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.  This includes bros who aren’t wearing shirts.
  24. If your bro is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself you must jump into the fight.  Exception: If during the past 24 hours your bros actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass whoopin'” you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy
  25. Bros don’t let bros wear Speedos.  Ever.  Case closed.
  26. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat.  If not, your seat is up for grabs.  However, “house rules” may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.
  27. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies as long as you are in eyesight of the object or it is at a reasonable time.
  28. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your bro in favor of better athletes, as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry sonofabitch standing on the sideline.
  29. If you ever compliment a bro’s six-pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
  30. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a bro, unless she is witholding sex pending your response.
  31. Phrases that may never be uttered to another bro while lifting weights:
    1. Yeah, baby, push it!
    2. Come on, give me one more, harder!
    3. Another set and we can hit the showers
    4. Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?
  32. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both.  That’s just mean.
  33. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line.  For all other situations an “I recognize you” nod will do just fine.
  34. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.  Keep a stopwatch nearby and hang up if necessary.
  35. You cannot rat out a bro who shows up to work or class with a massive hangover.  However, you may:
    1. Hide the aspirin
    2. Smear his chair with limberger cheese
    3. Turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks it’s broken
    4. Have him paged every 7 minutes
  36. If you catch your girl messing around with your best bro, let you states crime of passion laws be your guide.
  37. If your bro is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chances of getting any either.
  38. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly “just a friend,” go at it, that fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.
  39. If a a bro has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it.  However, an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.
  40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis.  Under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year.
  41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times.  If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied one, then you are still required to wait.  Exception: At a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser.
  42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your bro and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response.  If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10-minute period is required before knocking again.
  43. The only time dicking over a bro for a girl is legal is when the girl ranks an 8 or above on the 1-10 scale.  Exception: A girl may rank from 5-7 as long as there is oral sex involved.
  44. A bro’s gotta scratch what a bro’s gotta scratch.  This applies to picking as well.  Let the bro be.
  45. No bro shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
    1. Figure skating
    2. Mens gymnastics
    3. Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)
  46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another bro below the waist, it is an understood accident and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.
  47. No bro shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror.  If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.
  48. Any dispute lasting longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors.  There is no argument too important for this determining method.
  49. No bro will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing, and if a bro shall happen to view such a movie it is  only acceptable if it is with a girlfriend.
  50. Only acceptable time when a bro is allowed to cry:
    1. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
    2. After being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph
    3. When you date is using her teeth
    4. The day Anna Kournikova chooses a husband
  51. If a bet is made and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge.  If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, then and only then must the debt be paid.
  52. Masturbate often.  Exception: If your roommate is due back within the hour.
  53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your bro, you must (and will) tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.
  54. A bro’s shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.
  55. No comment shall ever be made to a bro about how much he is sweating.  If fact, there is no need to  bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.
  56. No bro shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie.  Exception: Rocky V
  57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object.  In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.
  58. There is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in.  Exception: When  you are participating in an organized sporting event.
  59. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit, don’t wear tighty-whiteys.  It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.
  60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy MUST be caught.
  61. No bro shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.
  62. In an empty room, car, etc. a bro cannot ask another bro if he is mad because he isn’t talking.
  63. If you jiggle more than twice, you are playing with it.
  64. A bro shall never help another bro apply sun tan oil.
  65. The bro who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.
  66. It is the God given duty of every bro to assist any other bro that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every bros dream: a threesome with 2 girls
  67. It is your duty to make your bro aware of any thong sightings in the immediate surroundings.
  68. At no time during a conversation with a bro on instant messenger is either bro allowed to send smiley faces to the other.
  69. If you are in the other room having monkey sex and you can be heard over the loud television and through a closed door, then every bro in the house is allowed to listen and laugh and use it against the other guy for blackmail, extortion, etc.
  70. What happens in Montreal stays in Montreal.  Period.  No questions asked.